Is It Ever OK to Quit?

Here’s the situation: Alex, 13, recently began playing the saxophone. His grandpa plays with a local band, and Alex wanted to follow in his footsteps. Alex’s grandpa was so excited that he paid for six months of private lessons.

But now, two months in, Alex is starting to dread those lessons. He just isn’t getting the hang of how to play. His grandpa says to be patient—that it took him years to learn the sax. But if Alex is honest with himself, he’s not having fun. Plus, he wants to join the soccer team, and he knows he won’t have time for the saxophone and soccer.

Alex should just quit the saxophone, right?

But wait. Isn’t that giving up? And isn’t giving up . . . bad ?

You’ve probably heard that you should never give up. That’s often good advice. Sticking with something difficult builds resilience and perseverance—traits that will serve you throughout your life. Think about it: If we gave up every time something got tough, how would we ever learn and grow?

Even so, quitting isn’t always the “wrong” choice; in fact, experts say that in certain situations, it can be healthy. This is especially true in middle school. After all, middle school is the time to explore different interests—to figure out what you’re passionate about, what you enjoy.

“There’s a misconception among kids that you’re closing a door [when you quit],” says Phyllis Fagell, an author and school counselor in the Washington, D.C., area. “We only have so many hours in a day, and often when we close one door, that just allows another to open.”

Take Carrie, 16, from New Jersey. She’d been playing tennis since fourth grade; at the end of eighth grade, she quit to make time for other activities. In high school, she found a new passion: theater.

“Tennis felt like a chore toward the end,” says Carrie. “Doing theater was always fun. I’m grateful I tried something new.”

Still, quitting is a big decision, so it’s worth taking time to reflect before you make it. Fagell suggests creating a pros and cons list. In the pros column, list everything about the activity that brings you joy. In the cons column, list everything about it that’s causing you unhappiness or stress. Also consider what you stand to lose (like time with teammates) versus what you stand to gain (like discovering a new passion).

You can also keep a journal or track your mood with an app like Daylio. Record how you feel right after lessons or games. Looking back at this record will help you assess your feelings.

Consider outside circumstances as well. Sometimes anxiety about other areas of life—school, family, current events—can leave us temporarily uninterested in our hobbies. The Covid-19 pandemic, for instance, has made some kids feel apathetic about the things they once loved—and that’s OK. “This is an unusually stressful time,” says Fagell.

Instead of giving up right now on something you’ve loved for years, Fagell recommends waiting. When times get easier, you can reevaluate. Maybe you’ll find that you miss the activity and pick it back up, or maybe you’ll find something new.

Once you understand the reasons you’re thinking of quitting, you’re ready to evaluate and make a decision. Say you love soccer, but your friends are all better players than you. Is that a good reason to quit? Probably not. After all, you don’t have to be a star to reap the benefits of the game: exercise, fun, friendship, teamwork.

On the other hand, you could be a star player—and hate playing. Being talented doesn’t mean you’re obligated to continue. Will quitting disappoint your teammates, coach, and family? Maybe. But you don’t have to stick with something just to make others happy.

In most situations, however, it is a good idea to honor your commitments—such as by finishing up the season or not dropping out two weeks before the big show. Sticking it out shows integrity, that you keep your word.

So back to Alex. Should he quit the saxophone? Or stay with it?

^{This article was originally published in the April 2021 issue.}